Is This Forward or Backwards?:Trust series 3
by boaterV
Summary: Parker tried desperately to understand what was happening between herself and Eliot.


Sequel to _Trust is more than a Word _and _Change is a very Scary Thing._

_She had fallen asleep next to him. She had fallen ASLEEP next to him. Touching him. _

_She had fallen asleep touching him. _

_Her brain felt like a broken record. Stuck on one thought that just kept going round and round. _

_Never in as long as she could remember had she ever let her guard down like that. Even with all the little things she had let the team in on she had never slept with anyone. That wasn't to say she was a virgin. Despite her lack of interpersonal skills Parker was a beautiful woman and there had been times she had needed to feel connected to someone. Never had she stayed the night. Never had she let her guard down. Never had she felt safe or special._

_Never, until the moment she had woken from her sleep to find his arm tucked safely around her. Holding her close. In that one moment she felt more than she had ever felt in well…forever. Panic and confusion washed over her as she struggled to make sense of her newfound emotions. _

_As her body tensed she felt his fingers begin to rub slow circles on her arm and just as quickly as it had come it was gone. So profound was his effect that she actually felt herself drifting back to sleep._

"_Parker?" His voice tugged at her consciousness. "You should get into bed before you get stiff." She only nodded. Trusting him even as she fought against his leaving. _

_He'd carried her. Lifted her as if she was nothing. It wasn't the first time and she certainly was aware of his strength but for some reason this felt different but when she tried to put how into words her sleepy brain wasn't able._

_When she woke later she was alone. He had gone and her brain had gotten stuck on repeat. Over and Over. _

"_Parker what's up?" Sophie's refined English accent sounded strained as she walked into Parkers apartment. "32 messages is even a bit much for you."_

"_I slept with Eliot." Parker watched as Sophie struggled to speak. _

"_I actually have no words." Sophie moved past Parker towards the kitchen and poured herself a large glass of scotch._

"_Yeah right there on the couch." _

_Sophie's expression switched from interested to shocked before settling on concern. "I don't think I need those details."_

"_But I'm so confused I mean I've never done that before." Parker was pacing back and forth in front of Sophie._

"_But I thought…"_

_Parker cut her off and kept going. "I've been changing so much lately. I mean you guys all know where I live."_

_Sophie just nodded. From anyone else that statement would seem insane but this was Parker. It was a huge step to not be actively hiding. "Change isn't always a bad thing."_

"_I know Sophie but you weren't here and I needed help and now I'm even more confused than I was before." Parker looked lost and it broke Sophie's heart._

"_Why didn't you call sooner?"_

"_Nate needed you more. Even I knew that." She looked sadly at Sophie._

"_Parker how about I make you some tea and you start at the beginning?" Parker nodded and let Sophie lead her back to the couch._

_She stopped before she sat and stared at the cushions. "Right there. I fell asleep with his arm around me."_

_Sophie looked confused again. "Wait. Did you have sex with Spencer?"_

_Parker looked shocked. "No!"_

_Sophie laughed softly. She had thought it was out of place for their hitter to betray his friend. Of course Sophie had forgotten that Parker didn't always mean the same thing as others when she explained things. _

"_Start at the beginning." Sophie settled on the couch next to Parker and listened to her explain about the jump and about her confusion over Hardison's trust and how Eliot made her feel safe and how she was so confused she just wanted to scream. Or jump off a building. "I'm sorry I wasn't here but Parker I'm so proud of you. You listened to your heart."_

"_My heart is confusing. It never makes any sense. I just want it to be clear." Sophie offered her an understanding smile._

"_Let me ask you a question. If you were in trouble who would you call?"_

"_Are we talking about thugs in the night or the TV not working…"_

"_Parker stop thinking about it. You awake in the middle of the night and you are scared." Parker looked confused before she smiled. "See, you already know."_

"_But Hardison…"_

"_Is sweet and wonderful and he will understand how you feel." Parker nodded. Knowing she would have no choice but to talk to the hacker._

"_Eliot isn't…" Parker looked confused again._

"_Spencer is a good man with a dark past, but always a good man." Sophie's eye's softened, she knew nothing with Parker and Spencer would be easy but that didn't mean they should give up. "We'll figure this out Parker."_

_Parker looked relived. It was weird that the thought of not being alone eased her mind. Only a few years ago the idea of having a friend was insane. Now she was sitting in her home talking to a woman about her inner most thoughts and she was relieved to have her._

"_Thanks Soph." _

"_Not a Problem. Since I'm here why don't we finish watching Downton Abbey." Parker bounced up and down and smiled._

"_Ohh they are so fancy and proper it makes me laugh." Sophie looked at her friend sideways. She had tried watching crime movies with Parker but she just spent too much time critiquing the finer points of theft. Switching tactics she had chosen period pieces and despite their serious themes Parker giggled the entire time they were on. It was odd but endearing. Like so many other things about Parker._

_It took another few days before she got the nerve to talk to Hardison and as suspected he was upset but he cared too much to force Parker to do anything she wasn't ready for. He'd tried to tell her he would wait and it took a while but she finally convinced him that waiting wasn't the problem._

"_We're too different." she smiled sadly. "You're too good."_

"_Parker you're a good person." He held her shoulders and tried to put some force behind his words. Convince her it was the truth._

"_Yeah maybe, but not like you. I'm sorry Alec. I've done a lot of thinking about this. I'm sure."_

_She'd called him Alec. It was the only reason he had backed off. She had only done it once before. Screaming at him to hold on. Not to leave her. He had though she was finally ready to move forwards but after a day they had stalled out again. _

_He cared about her deeply but this was no way to live a life. Waiting for her to be ready. Waiting for her to understand that he would do anything for her._

_She didn't mention him trusting her. Didn't mention how much it hurt. She knew enough to know that he would deny it. That he would tell her he trusted her with his life but actions spoke louder than words. She couldn't get past it. Well she couldn't get past it emotionally. As a team she was fine with him because she knew he would always watch her back. Always keep her safe but that look in his eyes had ended any romance that might have been budding._

"_I'm always here if you need me." She smiled at him. Glad the talk was over. Glad they could move on. Not that she had any idea what that meant but she had heard enough people say it._

_3 weeks later_

_Eliot was keeping his distance. She couldn't blame him. Not to mention as much as there was something new between them she had no idea what it was and what she was supposed to do about it. It wasn't like she could ask him on a date. He wasn't about to say yes. _

_Is that even what she wanted? Some weird picket fence fantasy?_

_Sure she was changing. Maybe becoming slightly more like regular people but she was never going to be apple pie normal. Never going to be able to settle down and get married and do things that the rest of the population did._

_She had been inside her own head too much lately. Over thinking everything, looking for hidden meaning even when there wasn't any. Just this morning she had tried to figure out why Nate had asked her to sit next to Eliot in the briefing. She had cornered Sophie after everyone had cleared out only to have her remind her that it had been the only seat. _

"_Parker." She jumped at the sound of his voice. Turning to see the hitter standing at the kitchen counter, the scowl that never seemed to leave, gracing his face. She missed happy Eliot. Smiling Eliot. Sure he wasn't like that all the time and but there had been glimpses. Some verbal sparing with Hardison or some post job celebration. _

_Now it seemed like he was holding back. With her and with the rest of the team. Pulling back. She wondered if it was her fault. Had she done something, or said something?_

"_Parker?" He repeated her name and she was forced out of her head. _

"_Sorry. What's up?" _

"_We need to go over the exit plan." Oh yeah. The exit plan. The one where they were going to be leaping from a building. Where he was going to trust her to see that he safely landed on the ground. _

"_The equipment is in my building. We can test it tonight."_

_Why did that thought cause her heart to beat faster?_

_She thought about all the times Sophie had explained her feelings regarding Hardison. About how she had been jealous and how she had cared but been unsure how to deal with it. With Eliot it was worse. The feelings were stronger and she couldn't help but wonder if it was because she was different or because the feeling were? Was it Eliot? Was there something special about him?_

_He was frowning while she stared at him. So lost in her thoughts again. Sure the team expected her quirks but this was getting ridiculous. Worse still was the way it bothered him to see her upset. The truth was that Eliot had always had a soft spot for lost children. Before the wars and the killings and all the mistakes he had imagined himself sitting in a rocking chair teaching his son to play the guitar. _

_That dream had died a long time ago but the soft heart that had spawned it had found some way to survive. He pushed down the urges most of the time but they made their way to the surface occasionally. Forcing him to act like the white knight he might have been if life had dealt him different cards._

_Parker was forcing his soft heart out of hiding. More and more the thought of her was making him wonder about all the things he had given up. _

_He needed to concentrate on the work. There was no way around it this time and going forward he could get ahead of it and make sure they didn't work together again but right now they were too far into the con. This time he was going to have to just get through this._

"_Do you have the rigs ready to test?" he didn't offer pleasantries as he walked into her place._

"_I'm ready." She handed him what appeared to be a tangle of black rope before stepping gently into her own._

"_Are we jumping in here?" Her place was big but he still couldn't see where he was going to practice a free fall jump. _

_She laughed. Free and light and he felt his chest tighten at the sound. When she didn't answer he started to ask her again but stopped when he watched her open the large sliding door. He had thought there might be a closet behind it. Perhaps it wasn't even functional anymore. _

_Instead as the giant metal door slid away it revealed an elevator shaft. Only it was too large to be standard, bigger than even a service elevator._

"_They used to bring cars up here." Parker offered an explanation as if he had asked out loud. It was another thing he had begun noticing about her lately. She had been doing that a lot. Answering things he had only thought about. Things even the rest of the team didn't realize he was curious about. It was odd. The warm feeling it caused every time she did it. Like maybe his thoughts weren't so strange or so dark. Like maybe he wasn't so different. _

_He could almost laugh at that. The fact that Parker was suddenly his confirmation of normalcy. Maybe he had taken one too many hits to the head?_

"_I've rigged a titanium strap at the highest point and cleared out everything but the structural parts of the shaft. There is plenty of room to free fall and the echo is awesome."_

_Eliot did smile at that. The forced anger and annoyance melting away at the joy he heard in her voice. At the smile he saw on her face. It only fell when he realized she had stopped bouncing and was moving towards him. For a brief moment he thought she was going to touch him. His whole body thrummed in anticipation._

_He was struck dumb when she linked the swinging cable to his rig and stepped back. He turned away from her and jumped. Without a thought in the world other than he had to get away from her. Had to put some distance between them. He knew the rig would work fine._

_Parker might struggle to understand simple body language or sarcasm, She might falter when asked to empathize with a client. Certainly the list of things Parker wasn't suited for was long, but she knew her craft. She was a thief. And not just any thief. She was the best and worked hard to stay that way._

_Eliot stood silently at the bottom of the shaft. His heart racing from what he convinced himself was the jump and not the fact that he had only moments ago thought the crazy girl had been about to kiss him._

_When she landed silently behind him he didn't turn. Trying to reign in whatever was going on in his head. Needing another moment to compose himself. He wasn't prepared to see tears in her eyes when he finally did face her._

_Eliot moved forward like lightning. His fingers moving over her body searching for the injury that was causing her pain. He hadn't watched her jump. Had she gotten caught up on something? Had she landed wrong? "Were are you hurt?"_

_Parker looked at him confused. "I'm not hurt." Her voice cracked slightly._

"_Don't be stubborn Parker. Let me help you." His voice was gruff and held a hint of worry._

"_I'm fine Eliot." She took a step back from him. His hands suddenly making it hard to think about what had made her heart leap. "You jumped."_

"_That was the whole point of today." He looked annoyed again but she didn't care._

"_You jumped without asking if it was safe."_

"_Of course it was safe Parker. That's your job." He didn't seem to understand what the big deal was. Why she was so upset over something so ridiculous until it clicked. _

_Hardison. _

_Eliot had trusted her to keep him safe. "Parker it's just a jump." He tried to shake it off. Remind her that this is what they did. That it didn't mean anything but she was moving forward again. Her blue eyes shone with unshed tears. A smile curling her tempting pink lips. _

_His body shook with the control it took not to touch her. His fingers were still warm with the memory of her skin. She took another step and he moved back. "Parker." His back hit the wall of the shaft and he was trapped. _

_More trapped than if he had been shackled with a thousand chains. Another step and he would be able to touch her. Taste her. _

_He realized how long he had been pushing the feelings away. How many times he had covered up the quickening of his pulse by dismissing her. Calling her crazy. _

_He flattened his hand against the wall, hoping to anchor himself before he jumped over the edge. _

_He felt the knob and turned it without thinking. Falling back into the room and away from Parker. He breathed deep and tried to clear his mind. Once this job was over he was going to be much further away. Like a thousand miles. Hell maybe the moon was a better idea._

"_Rig works good. I'll see you on the roof tonight. For the job." The words spilled out as he stepped out of the rig and tried not to run out of Parker's building. He did not retreat._

_She watched him go. Her heart pounding in her chest. She had wanted him. When she had realized he trusted her she had wanted to go to him. To feel close to him. To feel him. _

_Not an itch that needed to be scratched or some biological urge but a deep seeded need. Every part of her wanted to be closer to him. _

_When he left she found herself stumbling to her bed. Hugging a pillow tight as the tears started to fall. His absence made her feel alone._

_Lost and alone. _

_This was why she hated a team._

_She had tried. She had listened to Sophie and tried her best to change. She had struggled against her own self preservation and now the pain was back. _

_This was her last job with them. _

_This pain was why she worked alone. She couldn't even get angry. She had no one to blame but herself._

_The job had gone off without a hitch and she and Eliot had soared to safety on her rig. Floating down from the penthouse hitting their mark with precision. But she didn't feel the joy. _

_Even the wind wiping through her hair wasn't enough for her to forget about the tiny bag that sat at the end of the street in her mini cooper. The bag that contained the few personal belongings she never left behind._

_The team might think it odd that she didn't meet up with them back at the bar but it wasn't the first. _

_By the time then made their way to Nate's apartment she would be gone. Nothing but a ghost. _

"_Anyone seen Parker?" Hardison sat down in front of the computer and glanced back at Eliot. _

_Suddenly all eyes turned to Sophie as she stood silently holding a single sheet of paper. Nate moved forward as the first tear started to fall. Putting one arm around her as he grabbed the paper from her. The frown deepening as he read the few lines of neatly printed handwriting._

"_She's gone." Sophie's voice was a whisper. Hardison grabbed the paper from Nate and barely finished reading it before Eliot pulled it from his hands. He turned away from the team and picked up the end table. Smashing it into the bank of tv screens with and inhuman growl._

"_If you did something to her." Hardison tried to threaten Eliot but Nate placed a hand on his shoulder. He recognized how close the hitter was to the edge._

"_We need to find her." Sophie's voice had a waiver to it that had Nate tightening his arm around her. _

"_She's a big girl and if she doesn't want to be found there isn't much we can do." Nate knew first hand how good at hiding she was. He had spent some serious time and money looking for her in his old life. _

"_But." Sophie turned towards him and he cut her off._

"_I didn't say we wouldn't look." He offered her a sad smile and she leaned in and tucked her cheek into his chest. Hardison was already pulling out his laptop but Eliot hadn't moved. _

_He stood there. His pulse was thundering in his ears. He was vaguely aware that his team was talking and moving around him but all he could think about was the fact that it was his fault. He had opened up the door with her and then slammed it shut. He hadn't explained anything or tried to get her to understand. _

_Fragile, naïve Parker had been left to deal with his rejection in the only way she knew how._

_He felt the rage overtaking him. The blackness creeping in and he knew he needed to get away from the team. He had no target, no outlet for his anger but himself and he didn't need the rest of the team getting caught in the crossfire so he left. Walking out. He was aware that they were trying to call his name but he ignored them. _

_There was nothing to do but chase her._

_He was the retrieval specialist after all. Was it so different to try and retrieve a person instead of a thing?_


End file.
